1.) Trauma permanently changes you.
- Trauma doesn't have to mean something so bad that happened all at once. Katie's diagnosis took months to figure out. The initial blow happened when we saw her mass, but it dragged on and on for 8 months. By the time her diagnosis came we had already mentally imagined so many awful things. It changed us from the moment this journey began, and continues to change us every day.
- When we first started on this journey we didn't want to share it with anyone because we cringed at the thought of all the questions, intrusions, added worry, and attention. As Katie's diagnosis came and the surgeries continued we felt so very alone. Her story started to spread through our families, friends, church family, and social groups like wildfire. The out pouring of love and support from all over the US started flowing in like waves and we quickly learned that having the presence of so many was so much better than putting the distance between us and everyone. The support and love has not wavered, not even once. Her journey has been made more bearable because of presence.
- Healing happens overtime. It is not something that you can snap your fingers with and just make happen. Physical healing happens as it should, but emotional healing takes a long time. Taking a quote from this article directly, "Emotional healing looks less like a line and more like a wobbly figure 8. It's perfectly common to get stuck in one stage for months, only to jump to another end entirely....only to find yourself back in the same old mud again next year. Recovery lasts a long time"
- This statement is so true. It is true for the people going through the trauma, and for all the people surrounding them. Very few people can be your crisis team and support, as well as your calming force when things get bad. Thats ok though....every one in your life plays a role in your story and each encounter you have helps your journey. It can be a very lonely journey. Even sharing your story and suffering with others, no one will be able to fully understand what your going through and walk the road along side you. Sometimes you are searching desperately for how to put out the fires yourself and still be able to pick up the pieces. Your daily life feels like a battle to find normal again.
- When Katie started her IV chemotherapy I felt so overwhelmed. We were surrounded by children of all ages hooked up to IV's. I was angry and scared but my heart broke watching all these families. They somehow found a new normal. We were just starting down this road and I was grieving for the life Katie was beginning. I didn't want to see anyone else suffer, I felt that it made it worse. Then I started talking to the other families, Katie started talking and playing with the other children and suddenly each visit was a little easier, slightly more bearable. The same thing can be said for embracing our new normal. the more we share our story, the more social we are with our family and friends the easier it is to heal and continue forward.
- Not that I would ever want to diminish anyone else's suffering, but nothing compares to your own. Too many times we have heard "at least she isn't as sick as.." or "thank goodness it isn't worse" or "so sorry you are going through this, I went through the same thing" Again not that anyone else's suffering is less than ours, and we understand so many others have it worse than we do, but that doesn't change how real this trauma is to us. Sometimes we just need a friend who will sit with us and let us be scared and feel awful about our own story.
- Again I am taking this next bit directly from the source because I felt it to be so true: "Of course, someone who has suffered trauma may say, “This made me stronger,” or “I’m lucky it’s only (x) and not (z).” That is their prerogative. There is an enormous gulf between having someone else thrust his unsolicited or misapplied silver linings onto you, and discovering hope for one’s self. The story may ultimately sound very much like “God works in all things for good,” but there will be a galaxy of disfigurement and longing and disorientation in that confession. Give the person struggling through trauma the dignity of discovering and owning for himself where, and if, hope endures." Being able to tell your own story is important.
- This statement could not be more true. From the moment we found Katie's mass I had my family and my best friends beside me. Some of them might not have been able to be right at my side (military life tends to spread us all apart) but even my best friends who couldn't stand next to me were on the phone just listening. Our families were there and we felt loved. All the angry cries to God for allowing this to happen, or the why's that we asked, or the fears we expressed....all the while asking if God was even listening....he was, and his answer was showing us love in the most unexpected ways. People from every aspect of our lives, past and present became very active in our lives. So many people from our hometowns, church families, tamburitzan families, college friends, high school friends, teachers etc...so many people sent us letters, cards, messages, phone calls, texts, offered help, support, meals...it was God's love for Katie being shown to us through so many people. We can never repay or say thank you enough for all of you.
- I have said for a long time whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger....Ive lived by that for awhile. I have always thought of myself as a strong, stubborn, independent woman. HA. It might not kill me but it sure does weaken me. Do I feel stronger now? no, I feel like i ave found a way to just power through. So many things happened all at once that it was hard to even breath. When we found Katie's mass, our son David starting having bloody stool, he ended up having to get a colonoscopy and having a juvenile polyp removed...he was 5. Katie received her diagnosis on my 32 birthday, 4 days later I went into labor and had our 3rd baby. 4 weeks after that Katie underwent major surgery. I had my newborn in a crib in the hospital next to the hospital bed that Katie and I slept in. While nurses would check her JP drain and empty fluid, I would nurse madelyn. Once the JP drain was removed the army came and packed us up and moved our life to Texas. Katie had her 2nd surgery, which came with complications with fluid and extra long time needed the JP drain. Madelyn had a seizure while Michael was in the field training and I had to take Katie with her JP drain and david to the ER. I remember being in the ER saying this phrase over and over and thinking ok God..I was kidding. Whatever doesn't kill me DOES NOT make me stronger....it breaks me. I felt like I have reached my limit. Everything that happens to you doesn't kill you, it might strengthen aspects of you but what it does for certain is exhausts you, makes you walk on egg shells a lot, feel anxious, and worry all the time.
- Ive learned that no on has the same normal. I held on for a long time being devastated that Katie wouldn't have the same childhood I had. But who cares. Her normal is what normal is in our life. It doesn't have to be normal to anyone else. We have learned to own her normal, to embrace the life we have, and to power through all the crappy days.
To read the full article about the 10 things and her versions of each you can find that here : https://sojo.net/articles/new-normal-ten-things-ive-learned-about-trauma
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